To each his own!

I might actually get a thumping for what I’ll write now. Khair ..

A weird discussion had taken place over lunch with a pal a few weeks ago. He claimed that some women spoke to him solely ‘cos he plays a guitar. They’d actually think he is ‘all that’ and want to be friends basing their reason for friendship exclusively on his guitar skills. Me being the person who has to contradict everything one ends up saying to me, tried to think of valid reasons why these females were showering him with attention. After all talks of - maybe they did know you (said ‘really’ at this point with a sincere look in my eye) or liked you a person – were brushed aside as lacking in evidence. The bottom line, which I knew all along but didn’t want to confess, is that some women have a guitar fetish. I know I do. It’s not that I’ll make a person who plays a guitar my pal.. but there is an inherent attraction to someone who plays it though. My friend seemed to find the behavior despicable and didn’t seem to share my tolerance for it. Perhaps I’d feel similarly too if people liked me for no apparent reason at all. Hmm or would I?

I have a complex where I question people’s love for me and seek validation for it. Of course nothing substantial ever comes out of such a trip. But does that mean I don’t like it? Bull. I totally enjoy the attention, though I feel a need to feel more worthy of the love being bestowed on me. So keep trying to figure out why. But that’s another post.

Reverting to the topic, why can’t we let people be?

I am sure everyone has a proclivity that could borderline infatuation or be downright obsession. My point is, why do we get irked about someone else’s tendency? Unless you are at the receiving end of such behavior and it impedes your lifestyle, why bother with it? For all we know, it’s probably a psychological tendency towards something that’s come about from all the information we’ve digested since we were kids. Take the example of men smoking cigarettes. Enough ads and movies have glorified this habit to a point where people see it as a sex appeal factor. I on the other hand have an aversion to the habit ‘cos I’ve seen my dad be stuck to it for way too long. So we can’t always feel similarly about an issue. It could be guitar or drums for me, could be tennis players for another. One doesn’t need to encourage it or put it down. Take it for what it is… Something that gets us started for no apparent reason whatsoever. It’s good to give in and enjoy it while it lasts. After all, rationality is never far behind and is just waiting to ruin the moment.

I say let go!

Get a move on

I don’t remember who said this, but it was about agnostics. The fact that folk become agnostics as a standing ground to consider facts is fine. But when people choose to be agnostics as a religious stand, it’s befuddling. One can’t choose immobility as a means of transport. It’s this last line that I thought was sheer brilliance. It just cuts through all the red tape and puts across the crux of the idea for what it is. A procrastination from making a choice.

I will beset the idea of postponement till it looses all sense of relevance and appeal. I know it’s easier said than done, but only time can tell of the outcome.

There is always a lag when I write

The things I want to put up come from conversations with people or from general musings I take up. No matter what turns up, I place a mental note on it and leave it be for a few days. If the thought still holds relevance after a few days, I ramble on about it.

I think I should stop pondering about these things and just write right away. The content hardly sounds more profound later anyways. I think my thought process doesn’t really grow much no matter how much time I spend on the issue.

Guess that’s just a lame excuse for being a procrastinator :-)

Reached home safely

I was sleeping 4 hours each day for the last one week. The plan was to catch up on all the lost sleep in the flight. I managed to sleep enough, though the waft of food would mean I'd have to get up and eat or be hungry for a really long time. I am generally always hungry, but more so in an airplane. No clue why. From here onwards, I'll pack a lunch/ dinner package like the way folks back home do when going to Delhi in train. Every conceivable food craving is predicted in advance and taken account for. That'll be nice. I'll be all ready, with my thaila in one hand and my suitcase in the other. I'll prolly top the look off by wearing a sari with running shoes underneath.

Jokes aside.. I Miss home :-(

The harder you try...

A friend was talking to me about his desire to be more selfish. He’s the kind who ends up caring and protecting for people instinctively. Now he feels that he should be able to switch that on and off as required. I was wondering about why we do the whole thing at all.

We live our lives surrounded by people and even the most reclusive person I know can’t completely do without company either. It’s something we need as humans. But the problem here isn’t just about the presence or lack of company as it is about our need to get more out of it.

We have many needs ranging from wanting to love to wanting to be loved; for comfort/ hugs; to give/ get advice; and there might even be an odd need for arguments/ abuse :-). Our need needn’t always be a need in the strictest sense. Taking care of someone is also a need ‘cos it indicates a need to be protective of others.

I end up wanting to look after my pals too. But I think at the same time I am totally capable of making very selfish decisions which might hurt some of the folks who I care a lot for. Technically, my need to shield these people from the world should also mean I should be incapable of hurting them. It doesn’t matter that I try to deliver blows with lot of padding. A blow’s a blow.

Procrastinating decisions that can cause pain don’t make them any less painful either. I have not made some choices ‘cos I didn’t want to hurt the other people involved in the equation. And at times I have not protested about major things in my life, thinking I was actually doing the right thing by conforming to other’s needs. I think I realize now that it was a sad mistake. Figuring out what I wanted and doing it solely for my need is much better than trying to fit other people’s needs into the equation. Sometimes you might end up assuming wrong things by thinking for other people. I think making yourself happy should be of more importance than anything else. It doesn’t come easily at times; but isn’t that hard to get to either.

You can’t make everyone happy no matter how hard you try!

Learnt to link

HTML is fairly simple, yet I never bothered to learn the tags. Must say that my being able to link pages to specific words is bloody amazing. Now all you good folks at home can actually look at whatever it is I am rambling on about in more detail... This assuming that I haven't already written a 3 page essay on something when a few lines would have sufficed. I know most of you have nothing better to do :-P

This whole ranting business is really helping :-)

I’ve realized that the more I write about wanting stuff, the lamer it sounds and I end up becoming a lot more rational. Didn’t know it’d help at all to write it all out. Thanks for reading and discussing it back. That’s prolly what really helped, but since I can’t just say them..doing it via writing is a good outlet.

I suggest you all try it. Nothing to loose really … except letting people know what they are guessing I guess. After all, this writing business has just proven what you all already knew. I can be very silly and incoherent at times.. but don’t you just looooooove me :-D

So many things I can’t explain

I am not that naïve that I’d think there is an explanation to everything that goes on around us. Gosh, till I read Dawkins , I wasn’t even sure about evolution and I thought I knew my science well (people who disagree can do so without letting me know :-P ).

It’s not the facts and figures part that is past me. I mean, one can probably understand rocket science if you read enough books and journals. It’s the subtleties of our relationships and interactions that are sometimes a little hazy.

I have a weird love-hate relationship with my dad. People aren’t always around and some don’t last as long as you’d like them to. It's made me realize the importance of having a good bond with the people you care about, talking to them and getting to know them better. Telling them that you love them or showing that you care.. geez. I don’t want to end up writing a third rate sappy card. The point is, you can’t look back and wish you’d have done things differently. So it’s best to make amends when you can. I’ve tried to bond with my dad many times. I’ve given up off late. I guess there are some interactions that can only go so far.

Technically, it’s not that hard to get along with another person. You’re holed up long enough with someone; you’ll learn to appreciate them. Of course there are instances where you end up hating them too; for reasons you’d usually forgive others for. Guess the tolerance level lowers down, even though you understand and imbibe some of their traits. Actually it’s hard to not become like the other person once you’ve enough spent time with them. You use their catch phrases, adopt their sleeping habits and even pick up personality traits. Though all this happens ‘cos of the love, some trivial stuff does make you very testy.

I wonder why we get irked so much about the inconsequential stuff. It’s not ‘cos we don’t care. I think it’s ‘cos we want more and we get mad when we don’t get it.

Hehe. I can’t imagine me having an actual theme while writing. I guess my whole “I want more in life” is causing me to come straight back to that time and again. But at least I know now why I feel the way I do sometimes.

I just need to feel happy with what I have. Contentment with regards to monetary stuff is very easy. It’s much harder when it’s to relationships.

Is there such a thing as unconditional love? I exclude my love to kids and friends there. I am totally capable of showering my love to them without expecting anything back. It’s everywhere else where I have a problem. I wonder about this ‘cos I expect more from some folk than others. Wonder why there is a disjoint in my needs? Love is love and should be the same no matter where you get it from. Isn’t it?

Wishing well

Do we really want things we can’t have? I have been musing a bit about my pining habits. I am not entirely sure yet if we wish for stuff ‘cos we want them real bad, or ‘cos we know we can’t have them. A pal of mine once told me that he had a weakness for fighting loosing battles. I thought of it as a bizarre thing that he should want to battle for things he knew he couldn’t have. Obviously, no course is ever writ in stone and there is always the odd possibility that the good breeze of fortune might blow in your direction. But sometimes it’s such a long shot that I wonder why we bother at all.

There are quite a few things I’ve always wanted to do. The list has waxed and waned over the years, but the key elements have stayed on. When I am in a reflective mood, I wonder about this list of mine. Will my life come apart if I never manage to visit Goa or own the 350z. Of course not. The weird thing was that I was told I could get the car I’ve liked for so long and I realized I didn’t really want it. I mean I did. I could totally see myself driving my black, hard top roadster. Grinning at how well it handled the curves on La Honda compared to my Accord and getting the chance to tell people that I’d love to give them all a ride but my car only seats two people. Hehe. I know it’s juvenile, but it’s pure fun. But the practical side of me kicked in and I was thinking about the car loan and how I never really drive much over 90 or try to race strangers anyways.

I couldn’t figure out what was stopping me for indulging. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d have done things for the sole pleasure of it. However, I’ve noticed that my degree and frequency of such indulgences has come down with age. Is it ‘cos we want fewer things with passion as we grow older or ‘cos we just give up. Does not trying at all make us lazy or more realistic in our approach to life?

All that talk doesn’t change the fact that it’s a hard thing to stop the wishing.

My non-existent umbrella

I have been accused of beating around the bush a lot. I can’t help it. I hurt easy and being evasive seems to help me buffer the blow sometimes.

Why worry

Why do we like people as we do? Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for it. There is nothing logical about it and it will not stand to a good debate. You can’t justify it and give points as to why someone is more special than others. It’s just there. It’s not ‘cos there is a deficiency of people who need your attention, but you actually want to bestow it on a few special souls kinds. There is of course no point resisting it either. I’ve tried that a few times before. I guess it’s best to leave things to go their course and not wonder about the consequences sometimes. Pottering around someone can and actually will make you come across as clingy. Absurdly, that’s OK. I mean, what else can you do? You can either pretend to be cool or let go and be your true floppy self and hope they’ll come around.

:-) Hope is such a sad thing. Nothing more damning to the spirit than a good dose of hope. I think one should stop hoping and just deduce all things to their logical end and leave it at that. If only that was entirely possible.

Wanting and wishing for something isn’t bad at all. Just need to be prepared when you don’t get your hearts content of it. That’s all.

Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now

:-( and :-)

There he was this young boy, stranger to my eyes,
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song.
I felt all flushed with fever,
Embarrassed by the crowd,
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish,
But he just kept right on strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song

There is so much more to write about this. I'm just not ready yet.

my writing style

I guess everyone has a particular way of writing and mine is the impersonal third person-ish way of writing. Nothing wrong with it, but it's probably not what I need right now. I've to learn to open up and pour my guts out and I'll try to demolish the wall. Of course these things take time and guess the vent up frustrations have been around for long enough. I will try and see if I can put an end to it starting from this post.

I'll be doing the self talk stuff from now on for a little while. This is contrary to what is meant to come out, but I'll start everything afresh... after my 2 hr beauty sleep.

Joe Satriani and Eric Johnson

Ever since I heard the G3 album, I’ve been dying to see Satriani live. Sure Eric Johnson and Steve Vai were phenomenal in it, but Sat baby stole the show.

After having that album as a staple cd for long drives for years, I actually saw the recordings of the show. It makes an interesting viewing and I highly recommend it. Here are three awesome guitarists who have such varied styles when it comes to playing that it’s just as good fun watching as it is to listen.

Satriani kicks the show off. When he plays, it’s worthwhile to steal glances at his face instead of just staying zoned in on his fingers (I know it’s hard, but try). You know the times when you are grinning like an idiot in concerts while the rock stars are in their element of coolness. Well not Satriani. He enjoys his music to the point where he looks just as ridiculously happy playing his piece as you would be listening to it. I think you’ll find that you'll be grinning more yourself after that.

On the other side is Eric Johnson who is so involved in his guitar that he doesn’t bother with anything else. Satriani tries to involve you, but Johnson couldn’t care less. He plays wonderfully and sings along n all that. But, he finds his guitar more enthralling than the zillions of people looking up to him. He might not be the best fun to see, but he’s great to listen to.

Then there is Steve Vai. If you belong to the sect of people who shake their booty to their rock music, you’ll love Vai. He dances to his music and has such good fun that you’ll feel like dancing along too. And he has this rhythm guitarist who sings funky as well. The whole tone of his music is very disco dancy kinds and I love it.

Needless to say, I’d have loved to attend another G3 concert on similar lines, but getting to see Satriani and Johnson isn’t bad at all. They are going to play at the Warfield in San Francisco on May 13th, 2006. The floor tickets cost about $40 and are totally worth it. If you were planning on taking the balcony tickets, please reconsider. Floor tickets are the only way one should see a concert, me thinks. If you want, I’ll hold a place for you in the line and we can go and boogie down to some real good music. See you there :-)

Me and my wall

When I said that I am not what I am, I wasn’t trying to make a weird sounding – incoherent sentence. Of course people who know me, gosh for that matter even the ones who don’t know me, will say that I am the least coherent person at times. But I was trying to make perfect sense when I said that line.

I’ve realized that I come across as a very different person to different people. I am silly, juvenile and funny with some and extremely sober and sensible with others. People to whom I show one side do see the other side from time to time, but that’s a rare occurrence. Not a nice thing to do, but that’s that.

I think I have major problems opening up to people. I want to be able to pour my heart out from time to time, but just can’t do it. It’s not ‘cos of lack of trust, but more ‘cos of my inherent nature with regards to things close to me. I present issues that are very important to me in a blasé manner. I am inept when it comes to verbal display of emotions. Gosh for that matter I suck at showing love to people that I care about too. Anyways, I guess I want to come across as someone who is unscathed from the harsh cruelties that life in general doles out from time to time. I doubt I’m fooling anyone, but hey a girl’s gotta try right?

There is no wallowing in self pity business and other crap of that kind here. I just wish I could get rid of the wall I build around myself. I don’t know if it’s there to prevent myself from getting hurt or from hurting the folks who care for me. Either ways, it’s gotta go.

When was the last time u looked in the mirror?

I do it way too much. I try hard to stop the habit, but I just zone out from time to time and embark on this no destination journey. I’ve been told repeatedly to stop this over-self-delving.

Digressing, I’m sure there is a better word for that. I just wouldn’t know. Gosh there seem to be better words for most things. It’s just sad that my vocabulary is totally devoid of them.

Ok. Coming back. Off late, I think I am hitting depths that are better left unexplored. It’s good to know about yourself. But, when the exercise is pointless ‘cos you don’t really learn anything constructive, you should quit. I am unable to back off even though I know this.

Thinking a lot about things isn’t so bad. But if that is coupled with self-deprecation, it’s so unhealthy that it’s scary. I think a good dose of pessimism never did anyone no harm. But it’s high time I checked out the optimism camp perhaps. Sure you’ll get hurt when things don’t go the way you want them. But it must feel better to not be on a never ending doubt trip.

Bure bure hum shaitan..

..bachna re humse.

I think there is no such thing as face value. True I buy a lot of books basing my opinion solely on the cover, but applying the same to people is just downright wrong.

I am not one for making judgments or placing people into stereotypical sects, but there are times you encounter some that are just begging you to do that. Like me. I think I come across as caring, protective and loving to most people. However, people should be wary of me. I think it has been pointed out that I can cause a whole lot of hurt, willingly or unwillingly, and there it is. I wouldn’t hurt a fly (well unless I was told they taste good and then I’d probably try to sauté a few), but there have been circumstances where I have done things I just didn’t want to, hurt people that didn’t deserve it and tried to appear nonchalant about it. And then people go on their judging sprees.

I guess we are what others see us as. What difference does it make if you know the truth if the jury has already condemned you?

It isn’t that bad if you don’t let it affect you. Atleast I think so. Khair. I’m sorry for the hurt n the pain I might have caused :-( … didn’t mean to. Hey while I’m at it, lemme apologize for all the future occrances of the same that will happen for sure. My excuse will be that I didn’t see that coming.

My sisters are oh so wonderful

Having not had siblings, must say I grew up to be rather weird. I don’t know if my eccentricity would have been lesser if my parents had spewed out more kids. But luckily, I’m part of an extended family.

My little sisters study in Pillani, which happens to be ungodly hours away from any civilized land. They do come along rather frequently, but I rarely get to spend time with them. It’s always nice to have them around. Crappy jokes abound and it’s generally good fun all the time.

The little one is a bundle of energy and joy. Smart, sensible and vivacious, manages to win most people over in a jiffy. She loves people so utterly and completely that there have been times that she ends up getting hurt 'cos of it. Saying too much trust is a bad thing just doesn’t sound right (from an older sis’s perspective anyways). It’s hard not to love her and want to care for her. I think she has tons people who want to help her and take care of her, but that can get a tad irritating too. You don’t want a gazillion people who think you should answer to them or who think they know how you oughta live your life. But being the sweet little thing that she is, she handles it all graciously. She also manages to play the family klutz from time to time, partly 'cos the role has good reviews, but mostly 'cos it alleviates the gloomy stituations. She spilled sprite on me (unintentionally ofcourse) when I was crying bucket loads while watching 'rang de basanti'. That was good fun :-). She so reminds me of me when I was younger, just a whole lot prettier.

The slightly older one is the cool dudette we all aspire to be. This female is intelligent, funny and has no major qualms in life. It’s her attitude with regards to things that I would like to incorporate into my own outlook in life. She’s handled strange amount of pressures so beautifully and has such finesse when it comes to handling all the unwarranted advice she gets, that I’m all in awe of her. I should get back to her sense of humor. She can crack most people up and has the ability to appreciate good humor. It’s funny how hard that is to find in people. And she can dance. I mean really dance. We try to follow the steps she doles out for us from time to time, but it’s not easy when you have two left feet like me. Oh did I mention she likes chicken?

This is sad. It’s hard to really talk about people. Most people are way too multi-faceted that huge books need to be writ to do them some amount of justice. I just wanted to write about them ‘cos I miss them both a lot since they left.

Who is up for a romantic movie?

Ever seen a romantic movie and felt a huge relief that your life doesn’t quite mirror the hero-heroine’s picture perfect relationship? Of course not. Even if the leads are playing a looney bunch, you’ll find something to associate yourself to them. Just enough to snare you into thinking it could be you with the guy who waltzes you around the supermarket or the kind where you don’t mind smashing good china for a passionate episode of love making. Admit it. You paid tons for those crystal glasses and even though doing it on the kitchen counter is totally up your alley, you are more likely to neatly clear everything off it first. A plastic salad bowl which doesn’t have too much dressing (which you know is a pain to get off the floor) in it is OK for that swipe off the table and jump onto it in one motion moves. But only once in awhile, mind you.

Who can’t relate to the stuff you see in these love flicks anyways? Everybody, atleast deep down, will wish that their own life mirrored some part the movie. I say some part only ‘cos very few movies achieve that - I want it all - feeling. Sensible people would stay away, ‘cos most couples have enough problems as it is, without having to compare to these fictional characters. Too much mills and boons has the same effect on you.

There is a reason movies aren’t made about the mundane stuff that happens to most couples. It’s just not interesting enough. Something crazy had better happen to you, if you want your ass to be portrayed on a 40 foot screen. That’s probably why horror and thriller movies are so popular. You don’t walk away from those movies with a nagging feelin of living a sub-standard life… even if that feeling only lasts with you till you throw that empty popcorn box away.