Spit or swallow, he thought, the eternal conundrum

Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week

I can be as painfully blunt as I can be a subtle never-really-get-to-the-point-EVER kind of person. I am mostly straightforward with regards to myself and all roundabouty with others. I guess I am cautious. Or is it careful? I never thought I was being dishonest ‘cos I didn’t tell someone that their new hairstyle actually looks like a bouffant and they should seriously consider a new hairstylist. I just thought I was being nice. Don’t we all do it? Remember that line you said to your friend – it’ll all be alright soon. :-) No it won’t. But we say it ‘cos it’s what needs to be said.

That’s the point. We say what needs to be said. Not everyone can open up to everyone else. It’s not just hard, but might be considered rude. Everyone has their set of pals who they are comfortable with; and with whom anything from daily crap-fest to a myriad mind plan can be shared with. I have few of such pals.

So why is it few instead of "a" few pals??? I talk incessantly, most speech though sorely lacking in content, with pretty much anyone who seems to be listening. But I have major hard time actually opening up to people. So the few are few ‘cos I am comfortable with them and don’t see a need to portray a charade. Hmm.. wait I do that with them too, but I more likely to tell them the time of the day.

So how does one end up making this choice; even if it’s sub conscious? I am horribly candid with a pal, to the point where I never distorted anything and presented my head for what it was. The fact that it was received without hysteria was what probably made me feel nice and I am yet to ever talk much crap to him. Some amount of crap trickles down ‘cos I am incapable of being entirely honest. Not in the sense of lying as much as, showing. The transparency that some things I say can show are scary, even to me and I am afraid of being misjudged or scared of loosing something beautiful that, well, I distort or fuzzyfy the presentation from time to time.

And there are people to whom all the facets aren’t always presented to. Not ‘cos they don’t need to know; but more ‘cos it’s better off without them knowing. Better off for me in any case. On turning 18, I went to a bar and drank all the different kind of drinks they had one after the other in under half an hour before trudging out. I didn’t particularly have any goal then. I just thought it’s what grownups do and I wanted to explore my new found freedom. :-) there is no way I am repeating that stunt by drinking gin or brandy straight. I now have a hard time drinking anything that isn’t watered down like those $2 happy hour drinks. My dad gathered I drank stuff at 24 and imposed what he called a prohibition when I was home. He means well, of course. But I know he’d have broken my bones if he’d have found out anything sooner. Am I sure he’d have gotten mad? No. I’d made a choice there based on all the facts I had. Remembering everything that made him mad (with me that was a long list) and seeing if drinking alcohol would be considered a-ok or not. I figured not and never told him. Do I feel like I did the right thing by not telling him? Actually I don’t think about it much.

When you do tell, some folk fly off the handle. Now my ol roomie thinks I'm an alcoholic in sore need for help and has been hinting at AA meetings. How can one tell teetollers that a drink from time to time isn't the end of the world? Bless her heart for trying. She had to listen to me defend my right to a drink ‘cos I care as much for her opinion as any other. It's not so much that the other person has to bleed like you to see you are in pain; but that would put stuff in perspective for them right? I know as many prudes as I don't and one can't ever tell till it's too late.

I think if people stopped over reacting to trifle issues, everyone would be more open. But it’s not just about discussing taboo issues. If people seemed to care and actually wanted to talk, you’d be more than happy to talk I guess. But one can’t force an intimate session. It’s either gonna happen or not. If I dodge a question you put me; there could be a few reasons why. It could be ‘cos I don’t feel like spilling my guts right then; to you; or I’d rather not talk about some things. Period. So don’t come around and tell me I need to get it out of my system. If I feel like clutching onto something.. no amount of recounting is going to purge it out. I’ll do it when, if ever, I am ready. Thank you very much.