Why I can’t trust people
I have a basic problem when it comes to accepting love and affection from others. My own, I give away easily. But, when someone reciprocates, I’m stumped. I don’t know why, but everything needs to be justified and my actions (at least the immediate ones) are checked to make sure I did do something to deserve it. I don’t let people like me the way I like them.
I was actually flipping through some psychology book yesterday and came across a part where the author was describing me. He said I would have a tendency to be more vulnerable, and in his opinion an incorrect view, to the idea that I don’t deserve to be loved. I feel unworthy of love and it’s hard for me to establish my worth. And this hidden, almost subconscious, feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. I think I won’t be supported. So, being afraid that I won’t be supported, I end up pushing away the support that I do need. So people around me who receive this message that I don’t trust them to fulfill my needs feel rejected. At this point, my hopelessness, coupled with the fact that I have pushed away any iota of support I was getting, will start to morph me into a needy person. The other person is already turned off at this point ‘cos it appears that their best is not good enough. Curiously, men are turned on when they feel needed but are averted to neediness. I can understand where that feeling stems up from. Anyways, going along… it’s bad enough that needing others is confusing as it is. Being disappointed or abandoned, even in the smallest ways, tends to be especially painful then. It’s not easy for me to depend on others and then be ignored or rejected. This whole “needing others” puts me in a vulnerable spot. So, being ignored or disappointed ends up hurting more ‘cos it affirms my belief of unworthiness.
For someone who is so responsive and accommodating to other people’s needs, I suck being at the receiving end. He says that deep inside I don’t feel worthy of receiving, so I end up giving more thinking that would make me more deserving.
The weird thing is that everyone I know is so special and amazing and I would never think twice about what I do for them, or think if they deserve it or not. But, when the bottle turns to me, this doubt never ends. I don’t know if it has stemmed from my past or my mental makeup is a little screwed up. I know of some folk, weirdly all women, who sometimes confess to this feeling and though I know my consoling them or telling them everyone feels the same (that’s not true…but you say it in the moment) doesn’t really help. The fact that someone is there to listen to them, who comprehends their feelings might just help tip over the depression bout they were having. These things sometimes take time; sometimes you never really get over them. Each episode of such n such takes you right back to the gallows.
What bugs me is that I’m sorely aware of this. Reading this book just put the idea into words. I didn’t know why I felt the way I did and I would constantly try to battle it out. When there were moments and times where I felt amazing when I just let go; I’d invariably analyze it and curb any outward feelings of indigence that I might be putting out there. It’s not that I want to come across as “cool”, but I feel too naked putting the whole of me on display. When people do try, my reticent stance invariably pushes them off. I have a hard time sharing and an even harder time being honest about myself. The blow that someone might actually turn away after I’ve bared my core is just hard to take I guess. Weirdly, it feels amazing to be candid and to be received that way. Yet, time and again, I fall back to my evil ways. I guess they’re not evil as such. Just a little lopsided in that, that’s a new turf for me and will take a little getting used to.
I know that it’s not the people that lack “trustiness”. I just need to gather enough pluck. Perhaps embark on a road where my feelings aren’t exactly guarded in a maximum security vault. Perhaps even show temerity with regards to these things. How will I learn unless I learn to let go eh?
I was actually flipping through some psychology book yesterday and came across a part where the author was describing me. He said I would have a tendency to be more vulnerable, and in his opinion an incorrect view, to the idea that I don’t deserve to be loved. I feel unworthy of love and it’s hard for me to establish my worth. And this hidden, almost subconscious, feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. I think I won’t be supported. So, being afraid that I won’t be supported, I end up pushing away the support that I do need. So people around me who receive this message that I don’t trust them to fulfill my needs feel rejected. At this point, my hopelessness, coupled with the fact that I have pushed away any iota of support I was getting, will start to morph me into a needy person. The other person is already turned off at this point ‘cos it appears that their best is not good enough. Curiously, men are turned on when they feel needed but are averted to neediness. I can understand where that feeling stems up from. Anyways, going along… it’s bad enough that needing others is confusing as it is. Being disappointed or abandoned, even in the smallest ways, tends to be especially painful then. It’s not easy for me to depend on others and then be ignored or rejected. This whole “needing others” puts me in a vulnerable spot. So, being ignored or disappointed ends up hurting more ‘cos it affirms my belief of unworthiness.
For someone who is so responsive and accommodating to other people’s needs, I suck being at the receiving end. He says that deep inside I don’t feel worthy of receiving, so I end up giving more thinking that would make me more deserving.
The weird thing is that everyone I know is so special and amazing and I would never think twice about what I do for them, or think if they deserve it or not. But, when the bottle turns to me, this doubt never ends. I don’t know if it has stemmed from my past or my mental makeup is a little screwed up. I know of some folk, weirdly all women, who sometimes confess to this feeling and though I know my consoling them or telling them everyone feels the same (that’s not true…but you say it in the moment) doesn’t really help. The fact that someone is there to listen to them, who comprehends their feelings might just help tip over the depression bout they were having. These things sometimes take time; sometimes you never really get over them. Each episode of such n such takes you right back to the gallows.
What bugs me is that I’m sorely aware of this. Reading this book just put the idea into words. I didn’t know why I felt the way I did and I would constantly try to battle it out. When there were moments and times where I felt amazing when I just let go; I’d invariably analyze it and curb any outward feelings of indigence that I might be putting out there. It’s not that I want to come across as “cool”, but I feel too naked putting the whole of me on display. When people do try, my reticent stance invariably pushes them off. I have a hard time sharing and an even harder time being honest about myself. The blow that someone might actually turn away after I’ve bared my core is just hard to take I guess. Weirdly, it feels amazing to be candid and to be received that way. Yet, time and again, I fall back to my evil ways. I guess they’re not evil as such. Just a little lopsided in that, that’s a new turf for me and will take a little getting used to.
I know that it’s not the people that lack “trustiness”. I just need to gather enough pluck. Perhaps embark on a road where my feelings aren’t exactly guarded in a maximum security vault. Perhaps even show temerity with regards to these things. How will I learn unless I learn to let go eh?
7 Comments:
indigence....temerity......and then u say ppl cant understand u ....bah
well they were the most appropriate and i realized i said needy too much already. hehe. if the same cud be said about encomiums and hagiographies :-P
u writing the gmat or something?
no those two were from ur blog. But I will someday na.. Hey GMAT doesn't have words like GRE. If only I had known these words when I was takin that crappy test
After reading the long blog of urs I could only get one thing that you r someelse from inside.The way u seem to outside world is different.wait a sec am i not telling to the dialouges of Dil Chata Hai... Find out who i am it take a min
darn! another loooong post i guess.
Had this conversation with a good pal of mine where he expressed pity/sympathy towards the drudgery his mom went through everyday(sundays being worse) to ensure the family runs smooth. There was a hint of discomfort, maybe guilt in his words. Any amount of reasoning wouldn't get him out of that muse.
How often we take love for granted(esp those of family)? If we were to reason every act of theirs, their display of affection, sometimes the irritating discourses, the constant gaze towards the ceiling in torpor. It's really hard to accept that we love them pretty much the same. It might be out of the fact that we don't reciprocate on the same lines or it might be the fact that we're just too lost finding ourselves to even consider reciprocation. Nearly 2 months at home now, I've seen the entire routine, dawn to dusk and well into the night. I've seen how much they do and have a rough idea why they do so. Parents do expect a lot more than they express. It's so subtle and vieled that it's hard to fathom the real message. "Why don't you pay your credit card bill today?", "why do you sit in front of the computer for so long?", "where are you going and when are you coming back?", such questions are the much direct and expressed concerns. "Have you been well off-late?", "Are you sleeping well these days?", "why do you always argue?", "why is that you talk on the phone for so long?", these are the types where the message is hidden. It's not really hard to see that they need us to communicate with them, even if it is as trivial as "what happened while you were outside" to "what you dreamt yesterday night". They expect us to reciprocate, not even on the same lines as they dole out their affection. A small chatter about mom's aching knee, a slight massage of her foot and she gets started with trivia ... turn it around and ask about her health, what she has been doing offlate to spend her time, if she would listen to some music you recently hrd and u get her giving away a lot of stuff she would otherwise hide in her nagging questions. Parents are emotional beings. Nothing makes them more happy than a lunch/dinner together or a long walk. Coming to the guilt my pal felt. His guilt had its roots in his mom's monotonous routine, that she was never enjoying as much as he was. That she was doing so much for him and he couldn't help her boring life. As youngsters, we show a great deal of affection in a way which parents' minds aren't tuned to receive. We tend to lavish on them a plethora of appliances intended to make her routine work more boring(not that she doesn't need them, it just kills the pleasure of doing chores). Gifts, dinners, a bigger salary, these are the kind of things we young ilk present our parents as a token of love. A hour of talk about her likes and dislikes would even make her like things about us they ealier disliked. A small talk on what she does during her limited free time speaks a whole tome on her state of mind. Though it all appears mismatched, it isn't the fault of either. Life is programmed that way, the needs shift from material to emotional with age. We should stop feeling guilty about their drudgery to ensure a pleasant life for us and about our indulgence in ourselves, though we need respite and share a few minutes with those who love us.
Sharing your core feelings scares you of a possible rejection. Guess the unexpected & different response, where we fail to see the hidden message is a possible reason for that fear. Talk your heart out and they will talk their interpretation of it, though it's a complete mismatch, there is loads of love and peace in that chaos for us to recognize & realize. The feeling of deficiency and the consequent fear it brings in every conversation is perhaps due to this incoherence. Remember, even the rejection is out of concern and love!
cheerz ...
ps: will try not to pen a whole ton next time ;-)
oh baby. I see where you are coming from and i agree that sharing time is a wonderful gift to give.
Weirdly not all rejections can come out of love n concern. With regards to parents n family, I'd never question thier love. I'm glad to have it.
Hmmm .. i don't know how to put this. Maybe i'll write about it again.
Thanks kiddo :-)
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