Is it that hard to be happy?

Alice came to the fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

I keep telling folks that are close to me that I like to be happy. People usually see this perpetual smile plastered on my face. Some, unfortunately, manage to perceive me as the broody kinds; even if it’s merely for a little while.

I do want to be happy and don’t see many things coming my way to stop it. Yet, I manage to find things to bug me and pull me down day in and day out. If it’s not something about me, then it’s an issue that’s ailing a friend or a relative. I’ve realized that I spend more time working out on someone else’s issue than my own. And the absurdity of it all is that I can see solutions for them, but can’t for my own.

There are times when you don’t want a solution of a problem. Well that’s a weird line. It’s not so much that you don’t want it as there isn’t one. In such cases you probably just want someone to be around you and give you support while you sort out the mess. I have luckily been blessed with wonderful people who care. But, sometimes that alone can’t turn the grey skies into blue.

I am practical in my view of life in an unpractical way. How can I know what needs to be fixed and yet I avoid it? I keep playing the “what if” game. The thought of, maybe I’m just happy with being sad crosses my mind. It’s a silly thing to say. Don’t I know it? Nevertheless, it appears to be true sometimes… how I am incapable of shaking the blues away…coming down to the point where I sometimes welcome the feeling ‘cos it’s become a part of my routine now. I’ll prolly miss the feeling if I was indeed happy all the time. Or would I?

Hehe. If I had a nickel for every time I raised a q that was just downright lame, I’d be richer for sure. I try to seek comfort by blaming my problems on money or rather the lack of it. But sometimes, the sinking feeling kicks in that I’m just trying to make myself feel better by finding lame things to blame stuff on. In the end, it’s not so much whom you can blame things on, as how you end up emerging from them. For that matter I rarely go far with - pass the blaming torch - game. I don’t know whether it had something to do with the social makeup of being an Indian that a healthy dose of self deprecation just seems like a normal thing; or I’m just wired differently. I blame myself for pretty much everything. And I should too. After all, choices you make, no matter in what circumstances you do, are still your choices. You can’t really take em back. You can view them from a different perspective later on, which will bring the much needed solace. Trust me on that one.

I think re-thinking one’s step is a good move. But you can also get stuck at a turn like me. I keep thinking so much, that I never move… much akin to the agnostic who is choosing immobility as a means of transportation (boy do I love that line!). The agnostic might have a complex reasoning structure for his/ her stance; but that’s something no one else can see.

I have repeatedly been told something very much on the lines that where you end up isn't the most important thing. It's the road you take to get there, which you’ll look back on and call your life. And that the road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces. So I figured I am one who is perpetually parked, lest she loose her spot or something.

I don’t know what it is I am honestly afraid of. But it scares the shit out of me. I could use a hug right about now. Maan. Those were simpler times when I could just demand them. Now weirdly, I don’t even know how to earn em.