We’ve moved out of Eden a long time ago

I think I wasn’t always cynical. Actually, I’m not always cynical even now. But I think I tend to be more inclined towards pessimism with regards to my life than others. I am wistfully optimistic about global warming and the help recycling even the smallest thing with do to the environment. About how men will realize that they are fighting over trivial lines, that countries hold no real meaning and that we are all really gypsies in nature and it’s just in everyone’s best interest to have free trade and open borders.

That brings me to my pet peeve.

Patriotism.

Sure I love India. I was born there and spent most of my life there and will eventually settle down there. Not because I’ve been taught since I was a kid that it is “sare jahan se acha” (meaning the best among the rest of the countries), but because I feel a connection to this huge, all encompassing nation with it’s warm heart, pacifist nature and an ever ensuing identity crisis. Whatever makes one country better than the others? Maybe a good government, some exemplary policies and the provision of enough natural resources (including man) to help it’s countrymen live well. I don’t believe in nor understand the blind need for faith in a country and the need to live and die upholding a border that someone drew up. With enough time, we’ll probably blend into a common looking race of afro/asian/caucasian to help people get over their racial prejudices and then (probably), we’ll stop fighting.

I have the same problem with most religions. I can understand a religion’s need to say “Everyone else is telling you crap. I speak the truth. Buy my book and souvenirs.” It’s not to say that I feel all religions are overtly commercialized and seem to only work at draining people’s income and giving them half-hearted solace. I’ve seen a lot of people turn to religion for comfort. But, if you look around with a critical eye, exploitation of those people is all that is happening. Whatever was initially meant to provide a peace of mind and answers to questions that weren’t easy to solve has become a baton for the dimwitted to hold onto and to clobber others with. What was started to help create a proper way of life and healthy surroundings has become a lifestyle and brotherhood impeding float that is just there for cosmetic reasons and is bloody hard to navigate and not really a transportation device (no matter what they tell you).

:-). I tend to over push analogies. This is not a good example, but I could see it becoming this huge sentence going on about idiots who have nothing better to do than win pointless parade medals and who waste their time and others in an exercise that is just… well, pointless.

Jesus.

I started the whole thing about me being a cynic and here I am… almost on the verge of god-people bashing. I think I’ll stop. For no apparent reason but for the need to stop. My introspection into cynicism can be done another day.

What is a life worth?

I never thought that my sense of self worth would ever come into question. I am who I am. Just like everybody else. I don’t weight your collection of fava beans and you should not need to know my count. It’s not like we need to deal in them to survive, needing to swap them for stuff. But, somehow I get the sense that it isn’t the case.

I know how this works. People who have little of something are the only ones who really bother to think a lot about the lack of it. Hmm... and people who have loads of something are also quick to tally scores with anyone with a lower count. So mid ground is a good place to be in … but contentment is really a personal state of mind. If you are the kind who doesn’t get bothered with such things, then nothing will ruffle your feathers. It’s for the under-confident and the under-confident posing as over-confident douchebags that this whole affair pertains to.

Others should not be able to tell you where you should belong or should be doing or any such thing. And in any such process, should not cause you to doubt yourself. I shouldn’t care. I don’t need to and I certainly don’t have to. I’ve tried to shake it off, telling myself that I am great indeed and I don’t need anybody’s validations nor discredits to feel otherwise (please play Christina Aguilera’s “you are beautiful” in your head while you continue to read this. it sets the proper tone for all of this, I think).

My problem stems from my own actions and so I can’t really crib about it. It’s just that one should never need to question one’s place in anything. If only such convictions could be easily upheld in practice.

Everybody hurts!

When the day is long, and the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes.

What makes two good people act mean to each other?

I don’t want to do it. But it is so easy to succumb to it sometimes. A careless word is said. Perhaps unintentionally, or not. But, before you know it, you are seeking revenge. Revenge at what and at whom? I care deeply about every person in my life. I’ve become the person that I am, solely b’cos of the people around me. People who loved me and people who hurt me. There is love that I feel for some and deep rooted anger at some. I don’t usually “hate-hate” people, but I’ve had reasons enough to get there with them. But after years and years of just feeling it inside me, the moments have passed. There are times I look bad and regret not doing anything about it, but it’s momentary really. I think I have more reasons to love than anything else. There are so many people who could use a hug. And a hug helps you just as much at the giving end as at the receiving end.

I miss hugs.

I think there will never be a number of hugs that I will be satisfied with. My mom would hug me loads as a kid. I suffer from withdrawal symptoms me thinks.

I wish I could forgive and forget easy. I manage the forgive so easily. I am yet to get the forget part down.

I try. But not hard enough. Not long enough. I give up easily. I give in easy. If only I was as strong for myself as I am for others. If only…

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
So, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone