I'm such a drama queen

I feel it in me
So overwhelmed
Oh, this pressured center rising
My life overturned
Unfair the despair
All these scars keep ripping open

I am getting pissed easily again. I can’t seem to pin point any reason for it, or get to the root cause or any such thing, and it’s frustrating. Of course, some people will say I have always been the ‘angry’ kind. I would beg to differ.

I was a short tempered kid. I remember some instances rather vividly where I refused to be a team player and would only have things my way. I guess, in ways, nothing has changed. I’ve learnt to get along better with people since; but not to a major extent.

Surely, education and surroundings play a big part in your making, and not everything is solely genetic. It feels otherwise though. When I look back, it doesn’t seem anything has changed. I still feel surly when I feel mistreated. I still pout and have major problems communicating.

Why the closure? I can’t speak my mind when it comes to things that matter. I can discuss religion and talk crap about politics, but when it comes to things I need to delve in, I act as if I have a phobia. I just can’t get all personal. I can’t stop the “secretive” charade.

The whole point of writing here was to get me to be more expressive about things that bugged me. Thought being, once it’s spewed out, these thoughts would no longer gnaw at my mind. But it’s not always working and not everything can be writ.

I miss simple times. Well, I personally never seem to have had any such times. I guess I miss the idea of simpler times. When all was greener, no frown lines existed and happiness wasn’t a fictional state of mind.

The longest Hike I’ve ever done.

So. I managed it. I did the half dome hike. Well coming to think about it, there were 10 and 9 year olds finishing the hike, so I don’t know if mine can count as an accomplishment at all. No. For a lazy bummer like me who sticks to 4 odd mile hikes for most part, it was a big deal. I was carrying shit load of crap and almost broke my back, my muscles have never ached so much, I had cramps and I stubbed my toes so many times that it hurt to put my foot down…and yet I managed. Double hurray to me. :-)



The hike isn’t so much as hard as it was tedious. It was just tiresomely looooong. And I realized something phenomenal about myself from it. No matter how reluctant I am to do it, and how many weird odds face me, I end up managing to come through. Well only if I actually jump in to try it, but I finish it. I don’t know if this applies only to hikes or I can apply that logic to my life in general. Actually. I should know when to quit. I don’t want to “stick through it” when I should be quitting instead. (Whoever said quitting is for losers, didn’t know what they were talking about.)

Anyways, we started at a ridiculously early time (‘cos one wants to make it down by sun down). A bunch of people made up the party and it was good fun. I’ve posted pics of the trip so you can see where all we’ve been to. That’s about that I guess. I thought I’d have a piss load to say about the whole hike when I was actually doing it. But now that it is done, there isn’t much to say. Hmm. The way down was crazy. Dili and I almost ran down to get back before sun down and made it in under 4 hours, only to find that we were the first to make it down. Our party that left early hadn’t even gotten there. So there we are, tired and weary, sitting on the ground and waiting for the duffers who had the car keys. The first thing I did was take my shoes off. Those things weighed a ton. Jeez. Oh well. Other than that, it was all rosy n peachy We saw a bear on the way down, heading towards the camp sites to look for food. It stopped when it saw us and headed towards us for a few steps (I was scared at this point and the “aww ..look it’s a bear” feeling had died down), but thankfully it changed it’s mind and went to the camp site instead.

Cute/ Funny video

For someone who watches a lot of video blogs and videos in general, I tend to share and mention them rarely. I heard about this music video from a friend and figured it's high time I shared it. It's brilliant only because someone went through the choreography and these people practiced it endlessly to pull it off seamlessly. For a lazy pig like me, that's high effort indeed. Enjoy.



The song ain't phenomenal by itself, but it's alright. As far as the lyrics go, I liked this line:

I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony,
but Jesus,
when it rains how it pours.

Dream. It'll do you good.

The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.

In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
Tomorrow or today...

I sit in one of the dives
On Fifty-second Street
Uncertain and afraid
As the clever hopes expire
Of a low dishonest decade:
Waves of anger and fear
Circulate over the bright
And darkened lands of the earth,
Obsessing our private lives.

We have no problems living out our dreams as children. It’s as we grow into adults that all this “being realistic” talk takes the center stage. I’m not saying that you should think ahead and plan and such. Just don’t do it at the expense of your happiness.

Auden has written rightly. Passions of life fade away with time and little can be done to change that. Lethargy and worldly ails will cause this decay. I would think one can’t be detached from life, but I see it over and over again. Do not what irks you. Put your passions into action. Your life will take flight in ways that you can’t imagine.

I am so out of shape

The idea was to do a hike in the Yosemite national park called Half Dome this coming weekend. Now that’s a long hike that takes 8-12 hours apparently. The specs being its 16 miles long with an elevation gain of around 4800 feet. Sounds hard and it’s supposed to be.

Since I haven’t moved a muscle for a long time, thought we’d do what every bay area person does if he wants to prepare for half dome. We went to Mission Peak in Fremont. For comparison, Mission is a 6 mile hike with an accent of 2000 feet. We should have gone sooner and done it many times, but that’s bygone now. So we went off to Mission peak on Sunday and boy was I startled. I was out of breath and huffing and puffing like a hmm.. like a wolf is it??? Anyway, point being, I was terrible. Within 15 minutes all I ever wanted to do was to turn back and go get something to drink.

People you pass always chip in saying, “Oh. It’s not far. You are almost there.” Turns out that’s an old joke. Persistence paid off though. The pain subsided with 10 more minutes. Though I cribbed and said I could go no more (I can be dramatic at times, if you haven’t noticed), we actually did it. Took us half an hour more to make the round trip than the usual folk I gather, but we did it :-).

Now I dread the impending doom of the dome.

My life's silver anniversary is at hand

Woopie. I am going to turn 25 in 6 days. I have lived through a quarter of a century. Sure I wasn’t in my senses for the first few years, but one tends to catch up after the teen years have passed on by. I did feel senile as a kid and now I act more and more like a child to compensate for the lost years, I think. There is a pattern I see. People with missed childhoods tend to try and catch up more with it when it might seem inappropriate to others. Who is to decide what is right behavior anyways? The whole point of this blog was to show that one could and should have fun. So I might wallow in self pity from time to time. But every dog has it’s day and I intend to bounce back. Wait. Strike that. I’ve already bounced back.

Birthdays hold nothing dear to me. Some randomly appointed date that keeps coming back isn’t exactly significant. I have some good birthday moments, but in general I denounce the idea of them. Anniversaries and such are similarly over rated, and I am past the age where trinkets alone could amuse me.

Moving along... A wise lady once gave this speech that I intend to recite with mirthy intonation. It’s one of those beautiful things that get merit for speaking apt truth in a manner that is easy to digest and fun to read. Behold, my pretend advice for the future…

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen
have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice
has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth
until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years
you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now
how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked.

You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future;
or worry,
but know that worrying is as effective as
trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things
that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead,
sometimes you’re behind…
the race is long,
and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive,
forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters,
throw away your old bank statements.

Don’t feel guilty
if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
the most interesting people I know
didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

what ever you do,
don’t congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either –
your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body,
don’t be afraid of it,
or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance…
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines,
they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents,
you never know when they’ll be gone.

Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths,
prices will rise,
politicians will philander,
you too will get old,
and when you do
you’ll fantasize

that when you were young
prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble
and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.

Be careful whose advice you buy,
but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts
and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Do you have the time...

...to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one oh those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it

Sometimes i give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
I'm just stoned

A smart kid once told me that cribbing was our birthright. He’ll probably grin that I am quoting him now. Anyways, he has a point. What is more fun than to crib about things?

I am not excessively whiny. Come to think of it, I rarely complain about most things… well except when I end up having those long conversations out of the blue with people. I tend to burst more than speak out. I’ll say something really silly or horrific and the people at the blunt end will be at a loss to say anything back to me. It’s not intentional that I suddenly spring crap on people. It just happens. The good thing is that it’s happened with such few people, people with whom I feel much more comfortable now. So outbursts have their advantages. It’s a bonding experience in an unintentional way.

One can’t go around singing a saga. But if one is present when I shared something close and important to my life, then they become a part of me in a way I can’t explain. Sharing everything under the sun with everyone obviously won’t happen. It’s not so much about wanting to listen as it is about wanting to tell isn’t it?

I know folks who never talk. And here I am, yapping like there’s no tomorrow. I guess the fact that I can be remotely adorable makes folk actually put up with me.

I love it that you read me. Props go to Donny for making me actually do this. It’s uplifting when you are honest. No real dodging can help ease up that knot inside the head. Even if I write in codes, the gist is never hidden. And it makes me feel better. Thanks for being there.

There is no cure for the common cold...

…then how can there be one for the discontented.

I've got a bad disease
But from my brain, is where I bleed.
Insanity it seems
Has got me by my soul to squeeze.

I think the more time I have spent in the USA, the more jaded I have become. I have wondered about the reasons for this change. I used to really like the person that was me. I wasn’t happy with me, so to speak .. but I liked what I saw. A sort of third person perspective, if you will. I was honest, within limits. If not to others, at least, to myself. Although I was confused at times, even when it wasn’t within reason, I felt it was alright. I was in a way, at peace with the world. I had no problems or qualms connecting, reaching out or touching. I actually yearned for that. Then the slow transformation took me.

I don’t know if the change came on because of the place or that people just change as they grow older. But, I hate the person I have become. Well, most people are over critical of themselves. Everyone knows we should give ourselves a break, but it always seems like such a hard thing to do. Reach a little higher, go a little longer. To prove what and to whom? I’m sure everyone is too occupied with their own crap to notice your twitching.

Hmmm. So I’ve changed. I’ve dulled down and sobered up. Going into adulthood can do that to you. But that’s not all. It seems I have burned out. I know I am still capable of loving, caring, the whole nine yards. But, it’s changed. I can feel it and I think it shows. There was a time I used to genuinely care about things. I still do, and now I usually take a position to actually help out. But it feels so half hearted. I feel like my life is going down the drain and there is nothing I am doing to change it.

It’s weird when you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel comfortable in a way that is actually uncomfortable. I am not happy with what I see. Change happens. Jeez. Even shit happens, apparently. And yet, I cannot roll with it.

I am not bitter. Just disappointed that I didn’t do better. Not for the judgments I will be put through, but for my own solace.

I could not forget
But I will not endeavor
Simple pleasures aren't as special
But I wont regret it never.

Where I go, I just don't know
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.