Do we need all these people?

Why is that we are creatures that thrive on comradeship? Sure moments of solitude are not only welcome, but needed. But it's rare that one can live that way. A kind of skewed perspective eventually kicks in. After all, one's opinion, no matter how cognitive to start with, can only contain so much direction. All the left turns will add up. Eventually.

I need to know that one's happiness is not contingent on someone or something else.

I mean, it's drilled into us, isn't it? From movies to music to books. We are lead to believe that we need to find and nurture these relationships we have. Else, you will live and die lonely, sad and depressed. Surely that's not true. I might have already put this one to the test (kind of), as I am hardly in touch with people who mean the world to me. I guess I need to know I can survive by myself, if needed. A shoulder to lean on is nice n all; but in the end, i need to figure out a solution for myself and stop the leaning that i would otherwise do.

I don't know if I'd turn to keeping copious amounts of cats around me to fill the void people might leave, but that one needs to be put to the test at some point. It would be OK if it was something that is nice to have, but not needed is my point.

And it's no fun being alone
She'd sell her soul for someone to call her own
He's been waiting for a reason to head for home
'Cause it's no fun with no one
It's no fun being alone

Maybe they should have a war on christmas

What is it about the holidays that just bog one’s spirits down? Sure, the endless repetition of Rudolf the red nosed reindeer can take its toll on anyone. But, I doubt it’s the only culprit. Maybe it’s like Valentine’s Day, only with linen on sale. And all that alcohol at umpteenth parties can eventually make one’s mood murky.

I was fine all day and about a few minutes ago, I heard Sinead O’Connor’s nothing compares to you and before I knew it, I was hiccupping tears. Playing my eternally soothing song (For your information: Eva Cassidy’s Songbird) did nothing to soothe my nerves.

I keep yo-yoing between... I am totally fine and I am a brink away from complete mess. Well that is an exaggeration. I’m sure, even on my bad days, I am mighty well composed. Unless I get drunk :-). Well then I’m the biggest idiot on the block. Aww I have such fond memories of being sloshed. I think I should drink more again for the sake of ol times.

Who doesn’t miss good ol times eh? I know I would not want to live my childhood again. But I wouldn’t mind trading for the carefree mind frame one has as a kid. I was actually this bully who always wanted her way as a kid. I remember stomping off when people wouldn’t play what I wanted to play. Or not share my books cos the other rumpled the pages as they read. I was such a bitch then. Funny I even had friends. Maybe I am better off being this adult who understands what a compromise is and knows books are meant to be shared.

"You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage."

I'm not really lost, but I need to find myself.

You know what. That was silly. The last post was everything I’ve been trying to do; well more like some of the things I’ve been trying to do; to escape thinking of things deeper.

I think since I’ve started to blog, I’ve learnt to be more open, learnt to share better and learnt to trust people around me. But there has been a downside to this. I’m being so open and there are times that I want to shut up, but I can’t seem to. So to prevent me spewing my guts out to most everyone, I am avoiding most people. This has unfortunately meant that I am talking a lot lesser with my family and friends.

I know I can’t take people around me for granted. But I hope they understand that I need this space now. I don’t want to feel like a burden and the only way I can avoid it is by staying away for a bit. I think I manage to “get back” fairly easily … well at least easily with friends anyways. My family bond has always been a struggle for some reason. I tend to be way sillier and weird around them than usual. Of course, they have to kind of like me, b’cos “we’re family” n all that… but I know it’s a totally different dynamic there. I wish I was closer; but just can’t do it. I think with most people, I have hard time being myself.

That’s the weird thing too. I don’t think I know myself either. Maybe that’s the thing I need to do. Define myself better. Stop being wishy-washy and lay down the foundation. Or at least recognize that it’s already there.

Wonder if I'll die young or live old

So turns out, saying that you’ll be back is easier said than done. Since my blog is the meandering kind, anything goes.

Offlate I’ve been thinking about retirement and saving up for it. This is so unlike me that I’ve had to get used to the idea quite a bit. The idea of me being this poor ol bag lady is horrific enough for me to get off my butt and wonder about 401Ks and IRAs. I guess one can never start too late, but I keep thinking…what the hell was I doing til now? I should have done this years ago.

So all you folks out there. Take a long hard look at your portfolio and make that judgment. Will I make it fine when I reach, I dunno, 60 and beyond? The odds of, will I live past 40 is something I think are rather slim. But it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do the what-if scenarios.

Gosh it's hard to try n fly

So how does one get back into the groove after a long hiatus? It’s hard to be all comfortable when that odd fumbling occurs in things that were natural to you to begin with.

Kind of like dancing… the rhythm is in you, but your feet don’t really follow in step. It’s awkward at best. But if you let loose, and dance like no one is watching, it’s exhilarating. Of course, you soon realize that it’s also tiring to do it now. The stamina is gone and you’d much rather sit and drink anyways.

I'm still trying to find my way back
Whatever happened to all those dreams a while ago
Whatever happened way across the sea
Whatever happened to the way it's supposed to happen
And whatever happened to me?

guess who'se back

I just skimmed through my blog and realized how much I’ve missed writing it. My self-induced anguishes continue, so I guess I have loads more to whine about.

and there's this nagging suspicion
that won't leave me alone tonight
its just that everything I try to do,
nothing seems to turn out right