Why am I afraid to grow up?

I have a nagging feeling, but nothing I was able to really pin point to. I am afraid to grow up. That’s what it appears it is. Afraid to take on bigger commitments, reach for higher things, that kind of stuff. I’m sure most people do the … “do I belong here?” kind of self delving at some point of time or the other. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere really. Being a misfit among others is a weird thing. I would celebrate it before and appear to not care. But truth is I have done more to fit in than most people.

People come to crossroads and pick a direction. They all appear hazy to me and I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what is causing these exploring inhibitions in me, but it’s there.

I don’t want to commit to a turn. I am procrastinating the one thing I can’t afford to push aside for later. Help!

It’s just a matter of perspective

So hard to be in someone else’s shoes

Try and try as you might, it’s never a good enough fit and you never will manage to empathize with the problems plaguing the other person. You think of scenarios, try to drown in their sorrows… Nothing! No true reaction besides concern and pity. Pity is such a weird thing. It’s wrong if you don’t feel pity for someone else’s misery; but god forbid someone show pity to you.

OK. Everyone doesn’t show aversion to such feelings. Think about it though. Being the person whose shoes are being measured to be fitted really does suck. You want people to understand, so you try and reach out, with whatever is ailing you; your saga, if you will. It’s rather like hearing Ramayana. Ram was indeed getting a raw deal, screwed for having to go on such a long hike, banished, yada yada. But before you know it, the guy is as much of a prick as any other and you secretly think he had it coming. Well not the entire story, maybe just a lil bit.

Why do we even bother? Very few, if any, can really help. I think I rather like being the tight lipped person that I am. I know some who guard their feelings more than me. I wish they would talk. Tell me what they are thinking, feeling, seeing. Not because I’m intrusive. Oh no. just a mild curiosity. Maybe ‘cos I think they would make more sense in their inner ramblings than me. Well, I do have a big nose :-)

My baby is getting married. I was hoping to turn the skeptic feeling he had doing it into a more positive thing; especially since, he was going to do it anyways. Might as well be happy about it right? Guess he is ready for it after all. Then I think about the woman he is going to spend his whole life with. Will she be able to see the special person underneath the tough, wise guy exterior? And will he manage to open up and love this woman?

It’s weird when you question things. Life would have been so much better if belief in happiness was all that was needed to have it. It’s a rather lost cause when you are skeptic and want to measure shoes of all things.

Things will be fine though. They usually are. It’s just a matter of perspective.

Problem with common sense is that it's not very common

So, I’m hearing good things these days. People have mentioned that there is more coherence in my rants. Tank u, tank u veri much. I am ecstatic that you all are finally seeing me for the clearheaded, perspective (on visionary proportions, mind you) and logical person that I am.

But not meeting expectations set for me is something I just have to do. God forbid :-O (insert hawwwwwww and similar sounding words with melodramatic poses), I actually have to try and meet them.

I know it’s disappointing to have a semi-poster child in your hands. Everything is fine on the surface and nothing can go wrong. However, before you know it, nothing has actually happened or things have taken all kinds of wrong turns. It’s not that I bask in my pathetic achievements in life. It’s not like I don’t wish to take off and fly n soar .. hmm like the eagle is it? Into the futureee. I would like to say that I don’t care where the future takes me, but I know it’s a lie. I just don’t seem to care about it right about now. Actually that’s a lie too. Fibbing comes easy. Just like fake nonchalance. But here’s the tricky part. Do you think I am fuming and bubbling inside or I really don’t care? I tend to try and take people for what they say. So, it’s good when people do likewise with me. Right? Wrong. I am running around so much in circles, adding so many uncalled for layers; that in the end you don’t know if I’m training for a marathon or baking a bad cake. Eeek. I am indulging in uncalled for exemplification here. Point being. Hang on. That’s the entire point isn’t it? There is no point. There is no purpose. Hell. There isn’t even a porpoise.

So. I am no wise fish. Silly bantering kitten maybe. But definitely not the wise fish with porpoise. Ok. If you didn’t read Alice in the wonderland when you were a kid, I’m prolly making no sense at all. And though I’ll take it to be right up my alley to be incoherent, I’m not always babbling. I do make sense when you see what perspective I am coming from. So this one is based on a beautiful set of lines by Lewis. Out of context to the point where they make little sense if read in their entirety, so I won’t paste-o for you.

Aah. I have managed to sound dazed and confused as I usually am. Hopefully I’ve managed to daze you up a bit too. Weirdly I have good moments of clarity sometimes, even when I am drunk. Rare but good ones. Odd aint it? Ok this was a totally pointless post with nothing to prove (‘cept that I’m an idiot and loving it) and probably lot to loose (though I don’t see how I can shrivel my non-existent readership?).

I promise to make sense next time.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

So with that thought… I head back to school to meet mah advisor to see what he has to say. I would have thunk that I would be dreading this to a point of loathing. But, it hasn’t been that bad. I am actually looking forward to a good dose of work that might be a refreshing change from what I had gotten used to at home. Ahem. The not working at all part. Luckily, it’s not an easy thing to get used to and I’m looking forward to becoming busy.

Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself

Well that and making out :”>.

I’ve been away from the computer for a bit. An old friend came to visit from the east coast. I never did get very chummy with her when she was living here. Maybe ‘cos I was trying out my “life lived in a shell” experiment back then. But she’s always been good fun to hang out with and I really enjoy the time spent with her. Everyone ends up getting together and really bad pjs abound. I mean, if you think I make silly stupid jokes, you should hear some the others are capable of. Pity she left. We're back to being our busy selves again.

Oh that brings me to this restaurant we went to over the weekend. Bong Su. I keep calling it Bok Shoi for some reason and had to google it to get the right word. Food was brilliant, though a tad too expensive for my taste. Chocolate soufflé there was to die for. The cod and duck and the yellowtail competed for similar attention and I managed to gobble them all up :-). Go there with pals who eat less than you. That way you can steal their food as well. Muahahahahaaaa.